Am I wrong?

I really just need to think out loud, and that is why this personal log is so important, I suppose. Speaking my thoughts out loud gives me the chance to hear them and to consider them.

MU Tom Paris and I have started dating. I love the time we spend together. He makes me very happy.

But there is one problem. EVERYONE I talk to about dating MU Tom Paris has the same reaction:

"Be careful."

"He is going to hurt you."

"He is not right for you."

John and Harry have been especially concerned. Both of them have warned me to be careful. John even went so far as to say that when (not if) MU Tom broke my heart, he would be a shoulder for me to cry on. He is my best friend. He wants to see me happy, but he also is worried about me. *long pause* I am concerned by how certain he is that MU Tom is going to hurt me. Not physically, of course, but hurting me emotionally.

What is going with everyone? Why is everyone having that reaction?

I know how I feel about MU Tom. I know how he treats me. I know how much I care for him. He is the only person who knows everything about my past and still accepts me for who I am. And who I once was.

But....the reaction of the crew is making me wonder if there is something I am simply not seeing about MU Tom.

I suppose time will tell.

Shara out.

(PS - What do you think MU Tom Paris is going to do? Break Shara's heart? Or not? Vote in the poll on the top right-hand side of the blog to have your say, or leave a comment.)

Two away missions and more updates

I have started preparing for my StarFleet training. Because I have some medical training, I am expected to go on away missions.

So far I have been on two away missions.

The first mission did not go well. We had to make an emergency landing, and both Tuvok and Ensign Braddock were injured. I had to help stabilize their condition and then pilot the ship closer to Voyager so that they could use a tractor beam in order to bring the in.

The second mission went much better. We went to the mirror universe and brought back Tom and Chakotay's counterparts. I went along as the medic, and Jon went along to pilot the shuttle.

I have always been a little bit nervous around Chakotay's counterpart, but MU Tom is unsettling in a different way. I am not sure exactly what it is.

In a way, he reminds me of the way I was before I came to Voyager - wild, unsettled, uncontrolled. Because of this, it makes me feel like we are kindred spirits.

On the other hand, it also makes me want to smack him every time I see him. Really hard.

Harry and I are on speaking terms again. No matter what happens, I hope that we will at least remain good friends.

Shara out.

No longer with Harry

It is with a very heavy heart I write this.

I am no longer with Harry. Although I still love him dearly, I know I rushed things with him and I need to be on my own for a while. Perhaps we will be together again. I honestly do not know. All I know is that I need some time to myself.

When I first came to Voyager, I was deeply traumatized from the loss of my ship and also from the loss of my friends and my mate. Harry and Neelix helped me through that very traumatic time. Neelix has remained a very dear friend. I hope that, in time, Harry will also be my friend once again. Right now, he is very angry with me and hurt. I do not blame him at all. I should have been stronger when we were apart before. I was so upset because I knew how badly he was hurting - I just wanted to make him happier.

That does not mean that I do not love Harry. I do. But, at this point, I am really not sure what type of love I have for him. I just know that I want him to be happy, but I also want to do what is right for both of us.

And then there is John. John has become a very good friend. I enjoy being around him. He makes me laugh. I feel very... comfortable with him. *laughs* And I like the fact that he is comfortable with me. He enjoys joking and teasing, which is a lot of fun.

I want to take this time to develop some friendships with more people on the ship. I feel like for the longest time if I did not do something with Harry, then I simply stayed in my quarters or just did not associate with anyone.

I had dinner with a group of people last night: I had dinner with John, Samantha, Jean, and Ayala. It was fun being part of such a large group.

I would like to find some way I can make friends with more of the ladies on the ship. I had suggested to Jean at some type of dancing lessons might appeal to the ladies on the ship. I will work on it.

For now, I am simply gonna take my time and make sure that I have my emotions in check before I make any decisions.

Shara out.

Recovering

I had another examination from The Doctor yesterday.

I was attacked a few days ago by Harry's Mirror Universe counterpart. I was in a coma for days, and I have still not fully recovered.

I have been told by several people that Harry never left my side the entire time that I was in SickBay. They said that he stayed there the entire time: talking to me, holding my hand, and watching over me - making sure that I was safe. He was the first person that I saw when I woke up, although I was terrified when I saw him. I did not realize that it was his counterpart that had attacked me - I thought that for some terrible reason he had attacked me. I hid behind The Doctor - I could tell that Harry was crushed. Here he had been by my side constantly since I was unconscious, and now I was terrified of him.

The Doctor assured me that it was not Harry that had attacked me, but it was his counterpart. While that was somewhat convincing, the look that I saw in Harry's eyes was all the proof that I needed. I knew that he could never hurt me. I could tell that he had not slept, that he was so worried for me. I could see in his eyes how much he loves me.

The Doctor allowed him to take me back to my quarters. He stayed with me that night, making sure that I was okay. He is so worried about me.

Last night, when he was checking on me to make sure that I was okay, I asked him to stay with me again. He said he would, as long as it was okay with me. I told him that I wished he would stay with me every night.

He smiled and said that he would.

I cannot even begin to tell you how happy I was to hear him say that. I didn't even breathe for a few moments.

As happy as that makes me, I am concerned about what the Doctor has said about my recovery. He does believe that I will make a full recovery, but he also believes that it will take quite some time. Until he is convinced that I am operating at 100%, I will not be allowed back on duty.

I have not told Harry yet. I want to wait and see what this next examination holds before I tell Harry. I know that he is going to worry.

Shara out.

I am so excited!

I am so happy! I can hardly contain myself!

First, let me give a little background.

When I first came aboard Voyager, it took some time to get my pheromones under control. I had been put into the quarters next to Chakotay, but he and Harry are very susceptible to my pheromones. For their safety (and mine) I was moved (very hastily, I might add) to another part of the ship. (Close to the Mess Hall, near Neelix.)

Now Jean has my old quarters. *smiles* So she can be close to Chakotay.

I mentioned to Harry that it might be nice to have my quarters next to him. I said it half-joking. Harry is a bit shy. *giggles* But, to my surprise (and delight!), he seems to be quite taken with the idea! He said I needed to ask Chakotay and see if I can move to a quarters next to his! *dances a little*

He even joked that we should take the wall out between the rooms. *giggles* I misunderstood what he meant - I thought he meant he wanted to be my mate! (Again, surprised and delighted me!) But I think he was just joking. I'm not sure. He said we could talk about it if I was agreeable to the idea.

I am agreeable to it. *giggles* But I think that having our quarters next to each other would be a good step for us. Then we can see when/if we want to go further. *thoughtful smile*

I hope my request to switch rooms is approved. *giggles*

Shara out.

A Calm Day

Today was a day off for both Harry and me.

We had a wonderful day. No date, really, but we just spent the day together - having lunch, walking the corridors, talking with some other crew members. Then we had dinner in the Mess Hall. I loved it.

I got a nice kiss goodnight, too. *blush*

*long pause*

I am also getting to know more people on the ship. I seem to get along well with the male crew members, but very few female crew members associate with me. They are not unkind - they simply don't seem to want to get to know me.

If my pheromones were normal, I would attribute that to their effect on females - headaches, mostly. But my pheromones should not be a factor. The Doctor assures me they are under control. *frowns*

Still, B'Elanna , Cornelia and Samantha are my friends. And Seven, I suppose. So that will be fine. *weak smile*

I guess I should go so I can get some rest. I have a busy day tomorrow.

Shara out.

Update:

What a surprise! I got a call from Harry and he asked me to come down to the Mess Hall for a late night sundae. Yay!

Harry - Part 2

It's very amazing how things change so quickly.

After talking with Jean Pierce (our soon-to-be counselor), I realized that I need to give my relationship with Harry a chance and see what develops without complicating it any further with dating Ayala. It's not fair to him or Ayala to do that. Ayala understood completely and was very good about it when I told him.

I am very happy with this decision. I enjoy being with Harry and I do love him. (Perhaps I was just scared with how quickly things progressed.) I can tell that he is trying very hard to control his jealousy, and he really does have a wonderful spirit and a gentle heart.

Best of all, Harry has met Mashteh (my pet draco-mouse) and my puppy Akelaa - and they hit it off so well! I am relieved.

Tonight we will have a game or two of Kal-toh and Then not sure what else. *blushes and giggles*

I am settling into my routine on Voyager and finding my place. I am more comfortable in both SickBay and cooking in the Mess Hall. I enjoy playing hostess, too! *giggles* It helps me get to know the other crew members.

I have been getting to know Samantha Wildman more. She seems to be a very sweet lady. Most of the ladies on board don't really have anything to do with me (except for B'Elanna), but I had coffee and cake in the Mess Hall with Samantha yesterday.

I still haven't met everyone on board, but I am getting to know everyone little by little. And the pain I feel from the past eases more and more each day.

Shara out.

My personal life. *sigh*

Why do things have to be so complicated?

Being able to have some time apart from Harry has helped me a lot. It has given me some time to grieve for Mirek and the others.

And I am also able to develop some more friendships, especially with Ayala. I have been spending more time with him lately, and he is a very remarkable man. *smile* I enjoy listening to the stories he tells about his sons. He listens to my stories of Mirek. *laughs* I guess we just enjoy sharing stories.

I enjoy spending time with Harry, and we are friends. We played poker last night with Neelix and Cornelia in the Mess Hall. I really enjoyed that. It was a lot of fun. *smiles* Even though I lost. Horribly. *giggles*

*long pause* Harry is very jealous. He doesn't want me to see anyone else - no one who is male, anyway - but I refuse to hide in my quarters and to not talk to the male members of the crew. I don't want to hurt Harry, but I want to make more friends.

Neelix shared a story about Kes that was so....insightful. He said he used to be so jealous. (Not that I can believe that - he seems like the least jealous man alive, but anyway.) As if he were a child who was so afraid someone was going to play with his favorite toy. He was so angry if he even thought someone was interested in her.

*pauses to think*

I think that is a good description of jealousy.

*another pause*

Harry has been very, very sweet lately, but I still want to wait to decide whether or not we will begin to date again. I am just not sure.

I guess I should go for now.

Shara out.

Harry

Yesterday was a very difficult day.

Where do I begin? When I came to Voyager, it was a very traumatic time. I had lost my ship; I was injured; I had lost my friends and Mirek, and I was now 200 years in the future.

Two people were so incredibly helpful to me those first few days: Neelix and Harry.

Neelix is/was immune to my pheromones, so he stayed with me all night in Sickbay that first, awful night. Tuvok and Vorik (also immune) stayed, as well, but Neelix was the one to comfort me, talk to me. Tuvok and Vorik guarded me physically while the Doctor worked to find a way to control the effect of my pheromones on the crew, but Neelix....well, Neelix was worried about my heart. *smiles* He talked to me, comforted me, and never left my side.

Neelix also...went with me to...see Mirek and the others after they had...passed on. He held my hand, hugged me and let me cry while I said my final goodbyes.

Then there's Harry. *smiles* Harry has been wonderful to me. He is so kind, gentle and thoughtful. I love him, very much.

*deep breath* But....I need some time. I need to take some time and deal with my losses. I need to find a way to handle my emotions - including my anger. I need to grieve.

But...not only that. I need to find my place on Voyager. To see where I truly fit in.

So I have asked Harry if we can just be friends for now.

I hope that Harry and I can date again...later. Time will tell.

Shara out.

Finding my Place

I am getting settled in with the Voyager crew. I am learning my way around the ship and I enjoy helping the Doctor in SickBay and Neelix in the kitchen/Mess Hall. The Doctor has been glowing in his compliments about my work lately. *blush* That is a far cry from when I first started in SickBay - I really thought my first day would be my last. *smiles*

Neelix has been such a good friend to me. He has helped me so much, and I enjoy helping him with cooking and baking for the crew. The crew seems to appreciate it, as well - the spice cake I made last night seems to have been a huge hit. I'll have to make it again soon. *blushing*

While I still miss my friends and Mirek, I have come to terms that I will be here permanently and I need to focus on the future, not the past. Nothing I do can bring back my former life, so I need to make the best of my future.

Which brings me to Harry. *warm smile* Harry brings a lot of joy into my life. I love being with him, spending time with him. Even if it is only a few moments while he is on duty - I am just happy seeing him.

Yesterday, I stopped by and saw him while he was on duty. Later that night (when he was still on duty) I brought him some cake and tea. *blush* And I got a kiss goodbye, which was very nice. *giggle*

Well, that's all for now, I suppose.

Shara out.

An Intruder on Board

Last night was...interesting. We had an intruder on Voyager. He was a...um...humanoid lizard? Maybe?

All I know is that he was very big and scared me to death.

He left peacefully, but it was still unsettling.

Since this is the second creature to seek out my quarters in just a few days, I have to wonder if there isn't something odd going on with my pheromones. I will have to ask the Doctor about it later.

Mashteh came back last night. I was relieved. (But glad he wasn't there when the new creature visited. Mashteh would have eaten him, I'm afraid. ) I feel safe when Mashteh stays with me at night.

Harry and I had a wonderful time on the Holodeck. He is so romantic!

*sigh* Well, off to help Neelix with dinner. I'll write more later.

Shara out.