No longer with Harry

It is with a very heavy heart I write this.

I am no longer with Harry. Although I still love him dearly, I know I rushed things with him and I need to be on my own for a while. Perhaps we will be together again. I honestly do not know. All I know is that I need some time to myself.

When I first came to Voyager, I was deeply traumatized from the loss of my ship and also from the loss of my friends and my mate. Harry and Neelix helped me through that very traumatic time. Neelix has remained a very dear friend. I hope that, in time, Harry will also be my friend once again. Right now, he is very angry with me and hurt. I do not blame him at all. I should have been stronger when we were apart before. I was so upset because I knew how badly he was hurting - I just wanted to make him happier.

That does not mean that I do not love Harry. I do. But, at this point, I am really not sure what type of love I have for him. I just know that I want him to be happy, but I also want to do what is right for both of us.

And then there is John. John has become a very good friend. I enjoy being around him. He makes me laugh. I feel very... comfortable with him. *laughs* And I like the fact that he is comfortable with me. He enjoys joking and teasing, which is a lot of fun.

I want to take this time to develop some friendships with more people on the ship. I feel like for the longest time if I did not do something with Harry, then I simply stayed in my quarters or just did not associate with anyone.

I had dinner with a group of people last night: I had dinner with John, Samantha, Jean, and Ayala. It was fun being part of such a large group.

I would like to find some way I can make friends with more of the ladies on the ship. I had suggested to Jean at some type of dancing lessons might appeal to the ladies on the ship. I will work on it.

For now, I am simply gonna take my time and make sure that I have my emotions in check before I make any decisions.

Shara out.

I am so excited!

I am so happy! I can hardly contain myself!

First, let me give a little background.

When I first came aboard Voyager, it took some time to get my pheromones under control. I had been put into the quarters next to Chakotay, but he and Harry are very susceptible to my pheromones. For their safety (and mine) I was moved (very hastily, I might add) to another part of the ship. (Close to the Mess Hall, near Neelix.)

Now Jean has my old quarters. *smiles* So she can be close to Chakotay.

I mentioned to Harry that it might be nice to have my quarters next to him. I said it half-joking. Harry is a bit shy. *giggles* But, to my surprise (and delight!), he seems to be quite taken with the idea! He said I needed to ask Chakotay and see if I can move to a quarters next to his! *dances a little*

He even joked that we should take the wall out between the rooms. *giggles* I misunderstood what he meant - I thought he meant he wanted to be my mate! (Again, surprised and delighted me!) But I think he was just joking. I'm not sure. He said we could talk about it if I was agreeable to the idea.

I am agreeable to it. *giggles* But I think that having our quarters next to each other would be a good step for us. Then we can see when/if we want to go further. *thoughtful smile*

I hope my request to switch rooms is approved. *giggles*

Shara out.

My personal life. *sigh*

Why do things have to be so complicated?

Being able to have some time apart from Harry has helped me a lot. It has given me some time to grieve for Mirek and the others.

And I am also able to develop some more friendships, especially with Ayala. I have been spending more time with him lately, and he is a very remarkable man. *smile* I enjoy listening to the stories he tells about his sons. He listens to my stories of Mirek. *laughs* I guess we just enjoy sharing stories.

I enjoy spending time with Harry, and we are friends. We played poker last night with Neelix and Cornelia in the Mess Hall. I really enjoyed that. It was a lot of fun. *smiles* Even though I lost. Horribly. *giggles*

*long pause* Harry is very jealous. He doesn't want me to see anyone else - no one who is male, anyway - but I refuse to hide in my quarters and to not talk to the male members of the crew. I don't want to hurt Harry, but I want to make more friends.

Neelix shared a story about Kes that was so....insightful. He said he used to be so jealous. (Not that I can believe that - he seems like the least jealous man alive, but anyway.) As if he were a child who was so afraid someone was going to play with his favorite toy. He was so angry if he even thought someone was interested in her.

*pauses to think*

I think that is a good description of jealousy.

*another pause*

Harry has been very, very sweet lately, but I still want to wait to decide whether or not we will begin to date again. I am just not sure.

I guess I should go for now.

Shara out.

A new visitor...and Neelix

As always, it was a very busy day on Voyager yesterday. *laughs*

Due to a transporter malfunction, we have a new Borg drone on board. While I found him intimidating, at first, he is not nearly as scary as I thought he was. He is...charming, in a way. *smiles*

Seven of Nine was concerned that my pheromones might be a problem, but that does not seem to be the case. I am relieved.

And...it felt so nice to have Neelix near me when we were in the cargo bay. *smiles* He is such a comfort to me. He is...very special. *long pause*

Neelix is always thinking of everyone else. He is a companion, Godfather and playmate for Naomi. He is the morale officer for everyone on board. *chuckles* *pause* And he is very special to me.

I guess I need to go for now and get to the Mess Hall and help Neelix get things ready for the next meal service.

Shara out.

Harry

Yesterday was a very difficult day.

Where do I begin? When I came to Voyager, it was a very traumatic time. I had lost my ship; I was injured; I had lost my friends and Mirek, and I was now 200 years in the future.

Two people were so incredibly helpful to me those first few days: Neelix and Harry.

Neelix is/was immune to my pheromones, so he stayed with me all night in Sickbay that first, awful night. Tuvok and Vorik (also immune) stayed, as well, but Neelix was the one to comfort me, talk to me. Tuvok and Vorik guarded me physically while the Doctor worked to find a way to control the effect of my pheromones on the crew, but Neelix....well, Neelix was worried about my heart. *smiles* He talked to me, comforted me, and never left my side.

Neelix also...went with me to...see Mirek and the others after they had...passed on. He held my hand, hugged me and let me cry while I said my final goodbyes.

Then there's Harry. *smiles* Harry has been wonderful to me. He is so kind, gentle and thoughtful. I love him, very much.

*deep breath* But....I need some time. I need to take some time and deal with my losses. I need to find a way to handle my emotions - including my anger. I need to grieve.

But...not only that. I need to find my place on Voyager. To see where I truly fit in.

So I have asked Harry if we can just be friends for now.

I hope that Harry and I can date again...later. Time will tell.

Shara out.

Finding my Place

I am getting settled in with the Voyager crew. I am learning my way around the ship and I enjoy helping the Doctor in SickBay and Neelix in the kitchen/Mess Hall. The Doctor has been glowing in his compliments about my work lately. *blush* That is a far cry from when I first started in SickBay - I really thought my first day would be my last. *smiles*

Neelix has been such a good friend to me. He has helped me so much, and I enjoy helping him with cooking and baking for the crew. The crew seems to appreciate it, as well - the spice cake I made last night seems to have been a huge hit. I'll have to make it again soon. *blushing*

While I still miss my friends and Mirek, I have come to terms that I will be here permanently and I need to focus on the future, not the past. Nothing I do can bring back my former life, so I need to make the best of my future.

Which brings me to Harry. *warm smile* Harry brings a lot of joy into my life. I love being with him, spending time with him. Even if it is only a few moments while he is on duty - I am just happy seeing him.

Yesterday, I stopped by and saw him while he was on duty. Later that night (when he was still on duty) I brought him some cake and tea. *blush* And I got a kiss goodbye, which was very nice. *giggle*

Well, that's all for now, I suppose.

Shara out.